Really good jokes

    Downesy
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    Post  Downesy on Thu May 28, 2009 9:35 am

    Blonde paint job
    A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

    "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
    The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
    The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

    A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
    "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

    the funniest blonde joke
    I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

    * she called me to get my phone number.

    * she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

    * she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

    *she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

    *she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

    *she tried to drown a fish.

    *she thought a quarterback was a refund.

    *she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

    *she tripped over a cordless phone.

    *she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

    *she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

    *she studied for a blood test.

    *she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

    *when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

    *when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

    *when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

    just a couple guys plant more to come
    Downesy
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    Post  Downesy on Thu May 28, 2009 9:40 am

    Off to Vegas
    A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

    'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

    'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

    'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

    'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

    The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'


    God's Gifts
    Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

    "It’s a very handy thing" God told the couple, "and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty."

    Adam jumped up and blurted "Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. It’d be so great. When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It’d be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please."

    Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didn’t mind if Adam were the one to get this ability. Adam was happy, and proceeded to wash down the bark of the nearest tree, laughing with glee all the while.

    "Fine", God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers. "What’s left here?" "Oh, yes. Multiple orgasms."

    Last Day on the Job
    It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

    When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

    At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

    The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

    At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

    She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

    When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

    When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

    As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

    "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

    He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

    The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
    suparman3614
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    Post  suparman3614 on Thu May 28, 2009 9:51 am

    hahaha soooo funy man gr8 jokes lol! ....




    it's not funny... it's hilarious, laugh harder >.< hehe
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    Post  King vxx on Thu May 28, 2009 4:37 pm

    I like the god's gift :p


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    moonsword50
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    Post  moonsword50 on Thu May 28, 2009 5:44 pm

    • chuck norris can make water run up hill

      chuck norris's first job was a paperboy. No one survived.

      Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

      Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.

      God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

      Chuck Norris never “gets laid”, rather: “laid gets Chuck”.

      Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it




    hahahaa i love chuck norris
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    Post  suparman3614 on Fri May 29, 2009 1:01 am

    moonsword50 wrote:
    • chuck norris can make water run up hill

      chuck norris's first job was a paperboy. No one survived.

      Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

      Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.

      God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

      Chuck Norris never “gets laid”, rather: “laid gets Chuck”.

      Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it




    hahahaa i love chuck norris
    hahaha lmao thats funny as lol!
    Downesy
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    Post  Downesy on Sun May 31, 2009 7:10 am

    Birthday Present
    A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

    They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

    His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
    "Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

    When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

    His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

    "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

    A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

    Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

    Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

    The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
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    Post  Downesy on Sun May 31, 2009 7:11 am

    The Tiger
    A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

    The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

    The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

    "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

    "Tiger Woods."

    "Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

    "Yeah."

    "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

    The husband and wife then make passionate love.

    When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

    "What are you doing?" asks the wife.

    The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

    "Tiger wouldn't do that."

    "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

    "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

    The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

    When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

    The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

    "Tiger wouldn't do that."

    "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

    "He'd come back to bed and do it again."

    The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

    When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

    The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

    "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
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    Post  Downesy on Sun May 31, 2009 7:13 am

    10 things in golf that sound dirty
    1. Look at the size of his putter.

    2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.

    3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.

    4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

    5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

    6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

    7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

    8. Just turn your back and drop it.

    9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.

    10. Damn, I missed the hole again.


    0 to 200 in 6 seconds
    Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
    really pissed.

    She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
    driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

    The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
    up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
    gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

    Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
    the box back in the house.

    She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

    Bob has been missing since Friday.
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    Post  Downesy on Sun May 31, 2009 7:15 am

    Meeting the Pope
    A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.

    As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him.

    The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.

    This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.

    The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear..

    "I thought I told you yesterday to get the fuck out of here."
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    Post  suparman3614 on Sun May 31, 2009 3:40 pm

    Downesy wrote:10 things in golf that sound dirty
    1. Look at the size of his putter.

    2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.

    3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.

    4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

    5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

    6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

    7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

    8. Just turn your back and drop it.

    9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.

    10. Damn, I missed the hole again.


    0 to 200 in 6 seconds
    Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
    really pissed.

    She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
    driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

    The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
    up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
    gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

    Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
    the box back in the house.

    She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

    Bob has been missing since Friday.
    omfg hahaha funny as Razz
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    Post  nutshell220 on Mon Jun 01, 2009 10:06 am

    ahahaha LOL
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    Post  Downesy on Sun Jun 07, 2009 6:00 pm

    good stuff guys

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